Winding Down and Winding Up

So here it is. 12 days until high school is officially over. Its staring me in the face, and the more I think, surprisingly the more panicked I become. And not for the normal reasons,such as missing friends, missing family, missing how things are, or worrying that I won't be good enough, though there is a sprinkle of each in my trepidation.

My worry is about who I am becoming.

I'm praying fervently that the lazy, panicked person I've been the past month does not follow me into college. For a few months, I was my dream me; mentally and physically healthy, productive, happy, and a person who finally stood up for her beliefs.

But as the final months of high school have been dragging on, I've gotten lazier, my mind is beginning to shut off, and its beginning to panic me. Is this simply the infamous senioritis or something more sinister, something that will follow me into college and into my own undoing?

I realize I'm likely over thinking this. Its likely just senioritis and I'll get the hell over it.

But there's that lingering fear, what if it isn't?

I can't be her. I can't be a lazy, unambitious girl. Its not me. I can't live like this.

But yet I cannot find within myself much motivation at all.

Who am I becoming?

What will college do to me?

Will I like who I am in the end?

I certainly hope I do.

Jumping on the Bandwagon

So, this may sound lame. Utterly lame.

But I am wholeheartedly deciding to jump on the zombie bandwagon when it comes to my writing. Ergo, i have decided to begin writing a zombie novel.

Hell, guys, I've heard I'm pretty good at gore and blood and such, and I love being able to add some supernatural into my books, and I love assessing characters' emotions after putting them in intense situations, so why not? I love zombies, I love horror/gore, and i love writing. Might as well mix it all together.

I've decided to have a female protagonist. Before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, I am not trying to do some next wave of literary feminism, though I do enjoy the concept of a strong female lead. Its more I love writing both male and female, and my last main character was male, so I thought, why not give female a try. Also, I wanted to start off the book with a traumatic event and I think the route I was going with the female in my head was more poignant than the introduction I had with the male character.

And there will be a main male character or a few anyway, so whatever haha.

I know it may be lame, but i hope i can put my own twist on it and do a good job. I'm excited.

Yay for being excited!

Wish me luck, I certainly do.

And i hope everything is going well for you as well, whoever you are.

Heathcliff, Catherine, and Other Unrealistics

Recently, in my AP Lit class, we've been reading Wuthering Heights. And two things have arisen in the novel that cause me much distress.

A.) These characters do not show any signs of much growth lately, only stagnation or getting worse as human beings.

B.) The characters seem to be stuck in this unrealistic ideal that there is such thing as a love more important than life, a love deeper than the ocean, a love stronger than the tectonic plates.

Now, maybe I'm a cynic for not believing in the second one already, being only a young age of 18. Yet I still find myself thinking this sort of everlasting, impenetrable love as something a bit ridiculous.

Let us clear the air now. No, I don't believe in soul mates. I don't believe in 'one true loves'. I believe in falling in love and deciding someone is worth giving up your romantic freedom for them, something I find more romantic than being convinced that there is only that one person in the entire world for you. Doesn't it mean more to say there could be others, but I choose you, over I'm stuck with you because fate chose you for me? Is there not more free will in the first choice, something human beings pride themselves with?

I'm not sure. I'm highly certain most teenage girls my age would call me an endless cynic only around to ruin their ideals of true love.

But I guess its hard to believe in true love when you know how easy it is for people to leave, and how easy it is sometimes to fall in love all over again.

I don't believe there's only one person for me. I think I'll fall in love several times in my life, and eventually I'll find someone I'm compatible enough with that makes me happy enough that I'll stop looking around and decide that they're who I choose.

Out of the whole world, I'll choose them.

Now one thing I do agree with these true love believers; when you are with that person who you will spend the rest of your life with, when you're with the person you should choose, I think you'll either just know or you'll lose them. But I guess that can happen anytime, so I suppose its just luck and good timing if it works out.

Love is just hormones, luck, and good timing.

And some friendship dashed in there too.

I guess I just find Heathcliff and Catherine's love a bit ridiculous. They are not souls meant to be together forever; they're just compatible and chose each other and decided to attach themselves that way in their youth, and even then it still didn't quite work out for them.

In other news, I am working on a writing contest and I am very excited. I only started thinking about this topic because the prompt involves a love triangle and the memorable love triangle of Edgar, Heathcliff, and Catherine was forefront in my mind.

Guess everyone just makes their own decisions and opinions on love, and I suppose this is mine.

No soul mates, no guarantees, only free will and good luck.

Maybe I should change my name to the cynical dreamer.

Food for personal thought, haha

Good luck in forming your own thoughts to all, and to all free will tonight. :)

Relationships

Relationships build over time, right? That's the gist we seem to get our entire lives , that with time relationships can be beautiful. Or at least, that's the message we should be pushing.

But no, instead, (curse my soul for I love Disney), we are raised with Disney movies thinking all you need is that first initial spark to cement a life long relationship.

Um, no?

Maybe it works for a few select people, but for most normal people need something more than a spark. They need common interests, they need love, they need understanding, they need someone to know them. Even personally, the past relationship I miss the most was one that began with friendship.

This rant sprouted from a friend of mine starting a relationship only about five days after beginning talking to a girl. You barely know her? You have not gone through some life-changing event together to attach you at the hip?You're just acting like infatuated thirteen year olds?

I despise ridiculous relationships. Even friend relationships. Someone is not your best friend after a few days of knowing them. That is not how it works. Best friendship and romantic entanglement take time and energy and getting to know one another before making it serious.

But no one seems to get that.

Guess I'm all alone here in no-man's-land, dreaming of a rational, grounded relationship instead of a crazy, up in the air one.

Crazy up in the air ones can be fun but, eventually, its those grounded ones that will matter. That's what I've learned at least from my life experience. Crazy ones are hard to handle, hard to keep together, hard to make real and solid. Growing affection seems to be something much stronger.

I hope I will find my own grounded, growing relationship one day.

But for the moment, screw crazy ones and just be happy being single pringle me.

Why would I make a blog (again)?

I started this blog forever ago, under a different name, for a completely different reason. Then I deleted the shit out of that blog, getting rid of all the posts and all that I had said. I was honestly embarrassed of my words, of my actions, and didn't want to glorify anything strange about me.

But, honestly, I wanted to start again, to say things that matter to me. I had a friend who kept on showing his blog on Facebook and I was kind of jealous because it seemed like a fun idea and I wondered, "Why the hell did I stop?"

Because I was a freaking disaster when I wrote it, that's why.

That's besides the point, though. I've started again now and I want to see where it takes me. Maybe I'll talk about writing, maybe I'll talk about the environment, maybe I'll talk about personal things occasionally. Who knows. We shall certainly have to see.

Maybe one day my kids can read this and figure out what their mom was like as a teen and laugh at my tomfoolery and other hi-jinks. Or simply laugh because in twenty years a blog may sound as dumb as a diary sounds to me right about now.

Crazy how technology advances.

This is a lot shorter than I had intended. I had intended some sort of beginning monologue worthy of a Frasier Crane type character, but instead, this is what we have. Just a little itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, polka dot synopsis of me.

I'm a dreamer, I'm a lover, I'm whoever I want to be.

That's the great thing about childhood. You can be anything.

Since I lost my innocence years ago, maybe now I'm a dreamer just to try to recapture those lost years. Who knows? I certainly don't. Nobody really is certain about anything, truly, if you think about it, because the world can do whatever and could change on a dime so nothing is certain. Is anything even real? Are we actually living or is this all an allusion?

Ok, I'm getting into Matrix shit. Time to shut off the blog.

Have a fantastic day. :)